I have done a lot of growing in the last little while. Learnt some very hard lessons.
After my divorce I had in my mind that we would be the “perfect” divorced family. I sat down to a meeting with my ex, discussed how I thought shared celebrations at birthdays, Christmas etc. would happen, as a family. That naturally we would share the care of the children and raise them in a peaceful, co-parenting environment. Of course, this is what I thought…after all I was leaving to reduce the conflict right?
How naïve was I?
At this point I was physically and emotionally drained. All the energy I had went into creating a perfect family, where all got along, discussed things, made decisions and communicated. Everyone was going to live in my peace bubble.
My trying to drag everyone into this ideal backfired badly.
The harder I tried, the more resistance I met. Sabotage. And more resistance. This is completely natural on hindsight! Of course there would be resistance!
This peace I have tried to create is suspicious, devious, filled with ulterior motives, resentment and hurt. The harder I try the more resistance I receive. The more disengaged people become the more I encourage.
Not everyone wants what I want. Not everyone is ready for my ideal. That may not ever be anyone else’s ideal but mine.
People are hurt. People feel unjustly dealt with. There is anger, resentment and fear. There is comfort in the known.
Allowing people to make their own choice, even when it hurts deeply and I want so desperately for something better is a hard lesson for me.
Through my actions, trying to force on people something they are not willing to accept I have enabled and created more difficulties.
Learning to let it be has been my lesson.
And knowing when to give up on a goal, for me has been almost impossible.